Royal Rumble Eastern Division

Wendy "Don't F*@k With Me" Friedman



Greg Ng: Moo Goo Gai PAIN



Cassie Leonard: The Weapon of Cass Destruction



Mary Beth Murphy: Deathmatcher



Paula Yanosy: The Stare



Wendy "Don't F*@k With Me" Friedman 6
Greg Ng: Moo Goo Gai PAIN 2
Cassie Leonard: The Weapon of Cass Destruction 2
Mary Beth Murphy: Deathmatcher 10
Paula Yanosy: The Stare 7

Royal Rumble Western Division

Kristy Berry: The Poison Berry


Laurie Gillis: The Right-Brained Assassin


Scott Rabschnuk: The Rabinator


Caitlin Moran: The Matrix-inator


Mark Mylan: Smylin’ Mylan
No ENTRY YET


Kristy Berry: Poison Berry 3
Laurie Gillis: The Right-Brained Assassin 7
Scott Rabschnuk: The Rabinator 12
Caitlin Moran: The Matrix-inator 3
Mark Mylan: Smylin’ Mylan 0
Total Votes: 25

Quarterfinal Fight 10

Paula "The Stare" Yanosy



Michael "The Spider" Schneider


Paula Yanosy: The Stare - 18
Michael Schneider: The Spider - 12

In the hardest-fought battle in Deathmatch history, the Stare and the Spider faced off in the last quarterfinal fight. The spider had solicited the sponsorship of the Stare's clients, so the arena was packed with disgruntled Round Rock residents, all hungry for carnage. At the outset, the Spider snared the Stare in his web of destruction, laughing as her clients poked her with sticks and made snarky comments. But suddenly Paula's army of care bears burst into the arena from all sides, swarming the ring like cuddly cockroaches. They focused their beams of love and joy on the angry arachnid, who doubled over in pain. Paula casually pulled off the Spider's legs one by one, the left him to roast in the Armageddon of happiness.

Quarterfinal Fight 9

Steph Taubin: Stealth Steph - 9
Mark Mylan: Smylin' Mylan - 19

A silhouetted "S" appeared against the clouds as Stealth Steph swooped into the ring, ready to take on her arch-nemesis, Smylin' Mylan. The grinning Mylan rose from a vat of some sort of chemical, his green hair and white face gleaming in the light of the arena. WHAM! POW! Stealth Steph socked her maniacal foe in the jaw, sending him flying into a pile of rubble. Bloody and broken, Mylan held out his hand to concede defeat. But as Steph shook it, she was shocked by Mylan's diabolical hand buzzer and charred to a crisp. Mylan cackled with glee and escaped to the semi-finals in a stolen Stephmobile.

Quarterfinal Fight 8

Cassie Leonard: Weapon of Cass Destruction - 13
Karla Tateosian: The Merciless Matrix Madame (M3) - 12

In a shocking upset, the Weapon of Cass Destruction laid the smackdown on Deathmatch's most fearsome fighter. Karla struck first, trapping Cassie in a headlock of outstandingly gridlike propotions. She hoised her captor into the air, piledriving her into the mat over and over again, each time hammering home a verbose argument for her own domination. She even referred Cassie to further evidence on the Internet, but Cassie didn't know what that was. Just when all looked lost for Leonard, the twang of "Sweet Home Alabama" filled the air, and a rusty pickup truck burst through the walls of the arena. Cassie leapt in the truck (it's break had slipped after being parked on a hill) and backed over the Merciless Matrix. Then she pulled forward, and backed over her again.

Quarterfinal Fight 7

Caitlin Moran: The Matrix-inator - 14
Joyce Hurd: Sharpie - 13

Before the Matrix-inator could even get her bearings, Hurd grabbed her by the hair and began raining down punches in quantities upwards of 50,000. But from out of nowhere, Caitlin pulled two brushed-metal Dell logos, which she spun like buzzsaws and lopped off both of Joyce's arms. Left without a weapon, Joyce screamed out for Jeff, requesting a sample of a large blunt premium with which to bash in Moran's skull. But the Chinese New Year delayed the shipment, and Moran embedded her knee-high leather boot in Hurd's cranium. The Matrix-inator left the ring victorious, defying all odds (which, in the end, are only ballpark).

Quarterfinal Fight 6

Kevin Redmond: Dreadmond - 9
Mary Beth Murphy: Deathmatcher formerly known as Estrogenicide - 16

As the starting bell rang, Deathmatcher shouted to the heavens, unleashing a torrent of red pens to rain upon Dreadmond and inflict thousands of tiny (but extremely painful) puncture wounds. Dreadmond pulled back his fist and steadied to deliver a killing blow, but above his head appeared these words: ...Buffering... Buffering... Connection Lost. Deathmatcher sauntered over to her adversary, jammed two pens up his nostrils and into his brain, and walked out of the ring whistling the theme to "Kill Bill."

Quarterfinal Fight 5

Tommy Fiorito: "Fear"ito - 10
Scott Rabschnuk: The Rabinator - 18

Is the glass half empty or half full... OF BLOOD??? Good and evil forces clashed as the jovial, bearded creative faced off against the angular aggressive account director. Rabschnuk screamed unprintable insults about Fear-orito's mother, but they richoched off Tommy's hard hat of optimism. Tommy smiled in a friendly way as he grabbed Rabschnuk's stylish glasses and crammed them sideways down his opponent's throat. Eyes bulging, Rabschnuk gasped for air, and helpfully, Tommy and performed the heimlich maneuver. But Rabschnuk leapt in the air and twisted Tommy beneath him, then smashed him into onto the floor and flattened him like a pancake. Rabschnuk moves on to the next round, and Tommy was hung on his own wall like a cute piece of kitsch.

Quarterfinal Fight 4

Greg Ng: Moo Goo Gai PAIN - 21
Dave Gardiner: Stunted Thaumaturge - 4

Inconceivable! The Stunted Thaumaturge challenged Moo Goo Gai PAIN to a
battle of wits, daring him to determine which of two glasses of wine was
poisoned. Using an incredible string of logic, Ng chose correctly, only to
become woozy and incapacitated by one small glass of regular, unpoisoned
wine. Thaumaturge leapt at the opportunity and smashed a table into MMGP's
chest. The intoxicated Ng was thrown against the wall of the ring, causing a
bootlegged iPhone to fly from his pocket and clock Thaumaturge in the side
of the head. Gardiner was knocked out cold, and Moo Goo Gai PAIN held his
glittering weapon high in the air, savoring the cheers of the crowd. He then
vomited all over the mat.

Quarterfinal Fight 3

Scott Whittier: Butchslap - 8
Laurie Gillis: Right-Brained Assassin - 16

Fresh from a week of rest and relaxation at the Deathmatch Spa, Butchslap
skipped into the ring with a spring in his step. Planting his feet firmly,
he crossed his arms and delivered a thunderous double-backhand slap to The
Assassin's head, shooting her across the ring like a pinball. As Gillis
whizzed about the ring, Butchslap gave chase, ultimately burning so many
calories that he collapsed on the mat. The Right Brainer stomped on his
throat with her highly-professional pumps, leaving nothing of Whittier but a
useless Black Dot.

Quarterfinal Fight 2

Wendy Friedman: Wendy "Don't F*@k With Me" Friedman - 24


Brian Whipple: The Whippercrusher - 11

Meathook mayhem! While casually chatting on the phone with others from his oppressive regime, the Whippercrusher strapped Friedman to some sort of diabolical disemboweling device. As he slowly unraveled her intestines, he jeered and pressured her to betray her valiant causes of peace, love, and veggie burgers. But Wendy tossed aside her own intestines and swung the deadly meat hooks into the feet her oppressor. She yanked him close, then split his head with a flick of her x-acto knife. Beside himself with pain, Whipple begged for mercy. But Friedman made circular finger motion that could only say "Don't F*@k With Me," and tossed Whipple into the fiery abyss.

Quarterfinal Fight 1

Dave Kichen: Kung Futon 'Kickin' Ass and Hurtin' My Back" - 1


Kristy Berry: Poison Berry - 22


The phrase "blood bath" doesn't even begin to describe it. Or maybe it does. With the speed of a pirhana and strength of David Ortiz, Kung Futon ripped off Poisonberry's leg and smashed it into her chest. But the loss of a limb didn't stop Berry. She hopped to the Deathmatch toolshed and whipped out a saw and a shovel. With the grace of an olympic javelinist, she hurled the shovel through Futon's skull, splattering the Gumby doppleganger's brains all over the ring. Although Kichen was dead, Berry refused to leave behind a mess. She tossed the body in a bathtub and carefully dismembered each and every limb. She stacked Kung Futon in a neat pile, then honored his namesake by karate chopping the limbs in half with her head.