Wiesia Sadowski: The Wenomous Wanquisher - 15
Michael Schneider: The Spider - 21
W FOR WENDETTA! The Wanquisher leapt onto Schneider’s back and tore at his eyes with her sharpened nails. But the Spider caught her in his web and flipped her forward onto the mat. He plotted to suck the life from her over the course of several hours -- but with great power comes great responsibility, and Schneider had the decency to snap the Wanquisher's neck and put her out of her misery.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Fight 19
Jen Spencer: The Salty Dog - 16
Paula Yanosy: The Stare - 18
The air was tangy with blood and sea salt. Jen “Salty Dog” Spencer daintily cracked her knuckles, the wailed on Yanosy with a fury of jabs and spins. For several moments, the Stare remained motionless, numbly absorbing the impact and looking at nothing in particular. Then just as the Dog was about to deliver the battle-winning blow, the Stare’s eyes opened wide and Spencer burst into flames.
Paula Yanosy: The Stare - 18
The air was tangy with blood and sea salt. Jen “Salty Dog” Spencer daintily cracked her knuckles, the wailed on Yanosy with a fury of jabs and spins. For several moments, the Stare remained motionless, numbly absorbing the impact and looking at nothing in particular. Then just as the Dog was about to deliver the battle-winning blow, the Stare’s eyes opened wide and Spencer burst into flames.
Fight 18
Seth Levine: Red Baron of Doom - 48
Mark Mylan: Smylin' Mylan - 49
The arena shuddered as the Red Baron entered the ring, encased in a giant mechanical suit. Launching forward on rocket boosters, he pummeled Smylin’ Mylan with his massive titanium fists. But Mylan just grinned and headbutted his opponent, knocking him off balance. The robotic armor fell like a skyscraper onto the front row, crushing its occupant and breaking the nose of Kevin Moehlenkamp, who was sitting in the executive box.
Mark Mylan: Smylin' Mylan - 49
The arena shuddered as the Red Baron entered the ring, encased in a giant mechanical suit. Launching forward on rocket boosters, he pummeled Smylin’ Mylan with his massive titanium fists. But Mylan just grinned and headbutted his opponent, knocking him off balance. The robotic armor fell like a skyscraper onto the front row, crushing its occupant and breaking the nose of Kevin Moehlenkamp, who was sitting in the executive box.
Fight 17
Allison Hoyt: Vegetarian Turns Carnivore of Destruction - 15
Steph Taubin: Stealth Steph - 17
Set the table for carnage! Hoyt leapt into the ring like a wild animal, lunging for Taubin’s throat with feline passion. Stealth Steph quickly sidestepped the attack, then flipped upside down to deliver a spinning windmill kick. The ring became a blur of flying limbs, blood, and green traffic sheets. When the dust settled, the Carnivore lay in a heap on the floor, and Steph slipped away unnoticed.
Steph Taubin: Stealth Steph - 17
Set the table for carnage! Hoyt leapt into the ring like a wild animal, lunging for Taubin’s throat with feline passion. Stealth Steph quickly sidestepped the attack, then flipped upside down to deliver a spinning windmill kick. The ring became a blur of flying limbs, blood, and green traffic sheets. When the dust settled, the Carnivore lay in a heap on the floor, and Steph slipped away unnoticed.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Fight 16
John Torres: Baron Von Kickass - 13
Karla Tateosian: The Merciless Matrix Madame (M3) - 20
In a highly anticipated match, young upstart Baron Von Kickass took on M3, the dreaded diva of Deathmatch. Kickass sought to confuse the Matrix with his touchy-feely talk of rainbows and flowers. But M3 countered with a bulleted list outlining her plan for domination, which delivered to Kickass using actual bullets. The wounded Baron tried his best to offer peace and love, but in the end, he bled to death in the steely grip of the Iron Matrix.
Karla Tateosian: The Merciless Matrix Madame (M3) - 20
In a highly anticipated match, young upstart Baron Von Kickass took on M3, the dreaded diva of Deathmatch. Kickass sought to confuse the Matrix with his touchy-feely talk of rainbows and flowers. But M3 countered with a bulleted list outlining her plan for domination, which delivered to Kickass using actual bullets. The wounded Baron tried his best to offer peace and love, but in the end, he bled to death in the steely grip of the Iron Matrix.
Fight 15
Cassie Leonard: Weapon of Cass Destruction - 24
Debbie "Kill You With Kindness" Hatfield - 6
BRIDAL BRAAAAAAAAAWL! In a Deathmatch first, both contenders appeared in full white-gowned glory, each ready to rip the bouquet of life from the other. The crowd nearly went blind as blazing light flashed from the rocks adorning the fighters' fingers. Hatfield grabbed Leonard by the veil and delivered a devastating uppercut, but the Weapon of Cass Destruction had other plans. Whipping her train around Hatfield's neck, the Weapon decapitated her foe with a flick of her wrist, screaming "Til death do us part!"
Debbie "Kill You With Kindness" Hatfield - 6
BRIDAL BRAAAAAAAAAWL! In a Deathmatch first, both contenders appeared in full white-gowned glory, each ready to rip the bouquet of life from the other. The crowd nearly went blind as blazing light flashed from the rocks adorning the fighters' fingers. Hatfield grabbed Leonard by the veil and delivered a devastating uppercut, but the Weapon of Cass Destruction had other plans. Whipping her train around Hatfield's neck, the Weapon decapitated her foe with a flick of her wrist, screaming "Til death do us part!"
Fight 14
Joyce Hurd: Sharpie - 25
Doug Gould: Plankton - 6
The scourge of the ocean, Plankton thought he could destroy the Sharpie by force-feeding her Crabby Patties. But nautical nonsense was NOT on Ms. Hurd's menu, and she crushed the tiny sea-speck under her heel. The Sharpie lives to mark again, and Plankton was left flatter than Bikini Bottom.
Doug Gould: Plankton - 6
The scourge of the ocean, Plankton thought he could destroy the Sharpie by force-feeding her Crabby Patties. But nautical nonsense was NOT on Ms. Hurd's menu, and she crushed the tiny sea-speck under her heel. The Sharpie lives to mark again, and Plankton was left flatter than Bikini Bottom.
Fight 13
Caitlin Moran: The Matrix-inator - 17
Tracy Leng: Betty Rumble - 14
It was past versus future as the feral Betty Rumble took on the dark, dystopian Matrix-inator. With a primal scream, Rumble pulled the bone from her hair and hurled it straight at Moran's heart. But Caitlin bent over backwards and time seemed time seemed to slow down as she dodged the prehistoric missile. She leapt in the air and unleashed a furious barrage of physically improbable kicks to Rumble's head. The cavewoman collapsed, and the victor vanished into a telephone receiver.
Tracy Leng: Betty Rumble - 14
It was past versus future as the feral Betty Rumble took on the dark, dystopian Matrix-inator. With a primal scream, Rumble pulled the bone from her hair and hurled it straight at Moran's heart. But Caitlin bent over backwards and time seemed time seemed to slow down as she dodged the prehistoric missile. She leapt in the air and unleashed a furious barrage of physically improbable kicks to Rumble's head. The cavewoman collapsed, and the victor vanished into a telephone receiver.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Fight 12
Mary Beth Murphy: The Deathmatcher (formerly known as Estrogenicide) - 17
Suzanne Brunner: Bruiser - 12
The Deathmatcher (symbol here) burst into the ring, fists flying. She charged at the Bruiser, who, unfazed, calmly smoked a cigarette in her corner. As the Deathmatcher bore down upon her, Bruiser flicked cigarette ash in the erstwhile Estrogenicide's eyes. Blind, but not beaten, the Deathmatcher whipped out her magnifying glass, focusing all the light in the deathmatch cavern and roasting Bruiser to a crisp. She strode out of the ring, which was noticeably redder than before.
Suzanne Brunner: Bruiser - 12
The Deathmatcher (symbol here) burst into the ring, fists flying. She charged at the Bruiser, who, unfazed, calmly smoked a cigarette in her corner. As the Deathmatcher bore down upon her, Bruiser flicked cigarette ash in the erstwhile Estrogenicide's eyes. Blind, but not beaten, the Deathmatcher whipped out her magnifying glass, focusing all the light in the deathmatch cavern and roasting Bruiser to a crisp. She strode out of the ring, which was noticeably redder than before.
Fight 11
Kevin Redmond: Dreadmond - 22
Joe Berkeley: JOJOTHEDOGFACEBOY - 10
Dreadmond hoisted the trim JOJO high in the air, brought him down over his mighty knee, and snapped him like a twig. End of match.
Joe Berkeley: JOJOTHEDOGFACEBOY - 10
Dreadmond hoisted the trim JOJO high in the air, brought him down over his mighty knee, and snapped him like a twig. End of match.
Fight 10
Scott Rabschnuk 25
Nancy Harhut 9
Harhurt II, as always, took the direct approach. She drew the Rabinator in with witty barbs and teasers-- then gave him a vicious paper cut across the midsection (increasing his open rate by 20%). Struggling to hold on to his intestines, the Rabinator reached for the closest weapon at hand: Nancy's award arsenal. The NEDMAS came flying like ninja stars, and Harhurt II was reduced to pulp.
Nancy Harhut 9
Harhurt II, as always, took the direct approach. She drew the Rabinator in with witty barbs and teasers-- then gave him a vicious paper cut across the midsection (increasing his open rate by 20%). Struggling to hold on to his intestines, the Rabinator reached for the closest weapon at hand: Nancy's award arsenal. The NEDMAS came flying like ninja stars, and Harhurt II was reduced to pulp.
Fight 9
Sam Adams: Brewer, Patriot, Marimeko - 14
Tommy Fear-orito - 17
BOOM! Day 3 opened strong with a fierce bout of mental warfare. Adams used her razor sharp business insights to pierce the depths of Tommy's soul... but as the ghoulish Fear-orito was already dead inside, Adams' attack had no effect. Fear-orito locked Adams in a bone-cracking embrace, hugging her to death slowly and lovingly. As she collapsed on the floor, Tommy's triumphant laughter echoed throughout the Deathmatch arena.
Tommy Fear-orito - 17
BOOM! Day 3 opened strong with a fierce bout of mental warfare. Adams used her razor sharp business insights to pierce the depths of Tommy's soul... but as the ghoulish Fear-orito was already dead inside, Adams' attack had no effect. Fear-orito locked Adams in a bone-cracking embrace, hugging her to death slowly and lovingly. As she collapsed on the floor, Tommy's triumphant laughter echoed throughout the Deathmatch arena.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Fight 8
Marcie Judges: The Axe - 17
Dave Gardiner: Stunted Thaumaturge - 18
Despite not knowing what a "thaumaturge" was, the crowd went wild as Marcie
"The Axe" Judges violently hacked at her opponent's knees. Thaumaturge,
significantly more stunted than before, retaliated with various miracles and
magical feats, which distracted Judges long enough to buy the advantage he
needed -- a devastating roundhouse kick to the axe-arm. Like Samson, The Axe
weakened and was felled for good.
Dave Gardiner: Stunted Thaumaturge - 18
Despite not knowing what a "thaumaturge" was, the crowd went wild as Marcie
"The Axe" Judges violently hacked at her opponent's knees. Thaumaturge,
significantly more stunted than before, retaliated with various miracles and
magical feats, which distracted Judges long enough to buy the advantage he
needed -- a devastating roundhouse kick to the axe-arm. Like Samson, The Axe
weakened and was felled for good.
Fight 7
Greg Ng: Moo Goo Gai PAIN - 18
Kim Almazan: The Angry Amazon - 16
You could smell the fury and MSG as the Angry Amazon Faced off against Moo
Goo Gai PAIN in the steamy Deathmatch pressure-cooker. The Amazon fired
volley after volley of poison-tipped darts, but Ng defended with a
never-ending menu of blocks and parries. He hibachi'd Almazan into oblivion,
and, as is often the case, those who dined on Moo Goo Gai PAIN were left
hungry for more.
Kim Almazan: The Angry Amazon - 16
You could smell the fury and MSG as the Angry Amazon Faced off against Moo
Goo Gai PAIN in the steamy Deathmatch pressure-cooker. The Amazon fired
volley after volley of poison-tipped darts, but Ng defended with a
never-ending menu of blocks and parries. He hibachi'd Almazan into oblivion,
and, as is often the case, those who dined on Moo Goo Gai PAIN were left
hungry for more.
Fight 6
Laurie Gillis: The Right-Brained Assassin - 22
Becca Leach: The Vermonster - 11
The fighting career of the Vermonster came to an abrupt end today, as the
Right-Brained Assassin snuck out of the shadows to deliver a highly creative
blow to the head. The Vermonster roared in protest, but Gillis'
out-of-the-box karate chops quickly toppled the beast from the North. The
Assassin moves on to the quarterfinals, while the Vermonster lays in a
sticky pool of maple syrup.
Becca Leach: The Vermonster - 11
The fighting career of the Vermonster came to an abrupt end today, as the
Right-Brained Assassin snuck out of the shadows to deliver a highly creative
blow to the head. The Vermonster roared in protest, but Gillis'
out-of-the-box karate chops quickly toppled the beast from the North. The
Assassin moves on to the quarterfinals, while the Vermonster lays in a
sticky pool of maple syrup.
Fight 5
Scott Whittier: Butchslap - 55
Lexy Kassan: The Cruncher - 43
SCANDAL! What started as a normal, everyday fight-to-the-death erupted into
an all-out brawl of epic proportions. As the starting bell rang, the
Cruncher was immediately acquainted with the back of Butchslap's
finely-manicured hand. Stung by his slaps and witty repartee, the Cruncher
injected herself with statistical steroids and grew to levels never before
seen in Deathmatch. But Butchslap fought fire with fire, downing several
martinis and increasing his score through double vision. The Cruncher
couldn't compute, and crumbled to dust.
Lexy Kassan: The Cruncher - 43
SCANDAL! What started as a normal, everyday fight-to-the-death erupted into
an all-out brawl of epic proportions. As the starting bell rang, the
Cruncher was immediately acquainted with the back of Butchslap's
finely-manicured hand. Stung by his slaps and witty repartee, the Cruncher
injected herself with statistical steroids and grew to levels never before
seen in Deathmatch. But Butchslap fought fire with fire, downing several
martinis and increasing his score through double vision. The Cruncher
couldn't compute, and crumbled to dust.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Fight 4
Wendy "Don't F*@k With Me" Friedman - 26
Mindy Posner: Min Chop - 6
In a monstrous victory, Wendy "Don't F*@k With Me" Friedman destroyed Min
Chop using only intimidation and a few casual slaps. Posner tried her best
with a volley of chops straight out of a Ginzu knife commerical, but
Friedman was not to be f*@ked with. She brushed off Mindy like a fly, then
asked politely if someone would clean up the body, as it offended her
vegetarian sensibilities.
Mindy Posner: Min Chop - 6
In a monstrous victory, Wendy "Don't F*@k With Me" Friedman destroyed Min
Chop using only intimidation and a few casual slaps. Posner tried her best
with a volley of chops straight out of a Ginzu knife commerical, but
Friedman was not to be f*@ked with. She brushed off Mindy like a fly, then
asked politely if someone would clean up the body, as it offended her
vegetarian sensibilities.
Fight 3
Chris Plehal: I Will Punch You in the Face - 12
Brian Whipple: The Whippercrusher - 21
Mr. Plehal started off strong, living up to his name by punching Whipple in
the face. He followed up this stellar move with another punch in the face,
followed by a punch in the face. But the Whippercrusher, with two death
matches under his belt, got wise to the move and retaliated by both whipping
and crushing his one-trick pony opponent. The Mighty Whip moves on to the
next round, leaving behind a pulped Plehal and a few of his teeth.
Brian Whipple: The Whippercrusher - 21
Mr. Plehal started off strong, living up to his name by punching Whipple in
the face. He followed up this stellar move with another punch in the face,
followed by a punch in the face. But the Whippercrusher, with two death
matches under his belt, got wise to the move and retaliated by both whipping
and crushing his one-trick pony opponent. The Mighty Whip moves on to the
next round, leaving behind a pulped Plehal and a few of his teeth.
Fight 2
Kristy Berry: Poison Berry - 18
Deirdre Pocase: Bitchie Slambora - 16
For the better part of 8 hours, Poison Berry and Bitchie Slambora faced off
in the closest match of the day. They were like two rams with horns locked
in combat, except they were women and mostly used their fists. Slambora
briefly took the lead with a vicious bout of hair-pulling, but the crafty
Berry took hold of her rival's ankles and spun her in a vortex of doom,
ultimately sending her sailing over the cubicle wall.
Deirdre Pocase: Bitchie Slambora - 16
For the better part of 8 hours, Poison Berry and Bitchie Slambora faced off
in the closest match of the day. They were like two rams with horns locked
in combat, except they were women and mostly used their fists. Slambora
briefly took the lead with a vicious bout of hair-pulling, but the crafty
Berry took hold of her rival's ankles and spun her in a vortex of doom,
ultimately sending her sailing over the cubicle wall.
Fight 1
Michelle Leotta: Duchess of Annihilation - 11
Dave Kichen: Kung Futon "Kickin' Ass & Hurtin' My Back" - 22
In an explosion of fire and fury, the Dutchess of Annihilation faced off
against Kung Futon in the first battle of RM Deathmatch 3. Futon struck
first with a devastating flying kick, but promptly threw out his back and
spent the rest of the battle in a horizontal position. The Dutchess took
advantage of the opportunity to deliver several well-placed kicks to the
head, but Futon swiped her legs out from under her and smothered her under
the mat.
Dave Kichen: Kung Futon "Kickin' Ass & Hurtin' My Back" - 22
In an explosion of fire and fury, the Dutchess of Annihilation faced off
against Kung Futon in the first battle of RM Deathmatch 3. Futon struck
first with a devastating flying kick, but promptly threw out his back and
spent the rest of the battle in a horizontal position. The Dutchess took
advantage of the opportunity to deliver several well-placed kicks to the
head, but Futon swiped her legs out from under her and smothered her under
the mat.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Official Rules
LOCATIONS
All fights take place in the fiery pits of Deathmatch Arena, in an official boxing ring. Each fight is to the death. No mercy. No tapping out. No calling uncle.
There are no weapons allowed. Only hand-to-hand combat. Karate and other forms of non-weapons-based martial arts are permitted.
Under these conditions, you must ask yourself honestly: who would win? This isn't a silly popularity contest. We repeat. This is not a popularity contest. It's nothing personal if you get handed a serious beat-down. And don't forget, sometimes the smallest people are the fiercest fighters. Yoda, for example.
VOTING
All voting will take place online on this site. Voting starts in the morning, and closes promptly at 5pm. Results will be announced shortly thereafter.
You may only vote once. Don't try to vote more than once because we'll, like, totally know. And you'll be tossed into The Cage of Shame which is at the end of a smelly hallway deep in the bowels of Deathmatch Arena.
TIES
In the event of a voting tie, we move to the "Sudden Death Play Doh Sculpture" round. Each player is given a jar of Play Doh to mold into a 3-D scene of them killing their opponent, and we all vote on who's Play Doh sculpture is more kickass.
SMACK TALK
Once you vote, feel free to leave a comment by clicking the "comment" textlink at the bottom of each battle entry. This is your chance to say why you think the winner will triumph. Don't be a jerk, please.
There will be something cool for the champion. Like your own personal ninja. Or something like that.
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