Royal Rumble Eastern Division

Wendy "Don't F*@k With Me" Friedman



Greg Ng: Moo Goo Gai PAIN



Cassie Leonard: The Weapon of Cass Destruction



Mary Beth Murphy: Deathmatcher



Paula Yanosy: The Stare



Wendy "Don't F*@k With Me" Friedman 6
Greg Ng: Moo Goo Gai PAIN 2
Cassie Leonard: The Weapon of Cass Destruction 2
Mary Beth Murphy: Deathmatcher 10
Paula Yanosy: The Stare 7

Royal Rumble Western Division

Kristy Berry: The Poison Berry


Laurie Gillis: The Right-Brained Assassin


Scott Rabschnuk: The Rabinator


Caitlin Moran: The Matrix-inator


Mark Mylan: Smylin’ Mylan
No ENTRY YET


Kristy Berry: Poison Berry 3
Laurie Gillis: The Right-Brained Assassin 7
Scott Rabschnuk: The Rabinator 12
Caitlin Moran: The Matrix-inator 3
Mark Mylan: Smylin’ Mylan 0
Total Votes: 25

Quarterfinal Fight 10

Paula "The Stare" Yanosy



Michael "The Spider" Schneider


Paula Yanosy: The Stare - 18
Michael Schneider: The Spider - 12

In the hardest-fought battle in Deathmatch history, the Stare and the Spider faced off in the last quarterfinal fight. The spider had solicited the sponsorship of the Stare's clients, so the arena was packed with disgruntled Round Rock residents, all hungry for carnage. At the outset, the Spider snared the Stare in his web of destruction, laughing as her clients poked her with sticks and made snarky comments. But suddenly Paula's army of care bears burst into the arena from all sides, swarming the ring like cuddly cockroaches. They focused their beams of love and joy on the angry arachnid, who doubled over in pain. Paula casually pulled off the Spider's legs one by one, the left him to roast in the Armageddon of happiness.

Quarterfinal Fight 9

Steph Taubin: Stealth Steph - 9
Mark Mylan: Smylin' Mylan - 19

A silhouetted "S" appeared against the clouds as Stealth Steph swooped into the ring, ready to take on her arch-nemesis, Smylin' Mylan. The grinning Mylan rose from a vat of some sort of chemical, his green hair and white face gleaming in the light of the arena. WHAM! POW! Stealth Steph socked her maniacal foe in the jaw, sending him flying into a pile of rubble. Bloody and broken, Mylan held out his hand to concede defeat. But as Steph shook it, she was shocked by Mylan's diabolical hand buzzer and charred to a crisp. Mylan cackled with glee and escaped to the semi-finals in a stolen Stephmobile.

Quarterfinal Fight 8

Cassie Leonard: Weapon of Cass Destruction - 13
Karla Tateosian: The Merciless Matrix Madame (M3) - 12

In a shocking upset, the Weapon of Cass Destruction laid the smackdown on Deathmatch's most fearsome fighter. Karla struck first, trapping Cassie in a headlock of outstandingly gridlike propotions. She hoised her captor into the air, piledriving her into the mat over and over again, each time hammering home a verbose argument for her own domination. She even referred Cassie to further evidence on the Internet, but Cassie didn't know what that was. Just when all looked lost for Leonard, the twang of "Sweet Home Alabama" filled the air, and a rusty pickup truck burst through the walls of the arena. Cassie leapt in the truck (it's break had slipped after being parked on a hill) and backed over the Merciless Matrix. Then she pulled forward, and backed over her again.

Quarterfinal Fight 7

Caitlin Moran: The Matrix-inator - 14
Joyce Hurd: Sharpie - 13

Before the Matrix-inator could even get her bearings, Hurd grabbed her by the hair and began raining down punches in quantities upwards of 50,000. But from out of nowhere, Caitlin pulled two brushed-metal Dell logos, which she spun like buzzsaws and lopped off both of Joyce's arms. Left without a weapon, Joyce screamed out for Jeff, requesting a sample of a large blunt premium with which to bash in Moran's skull. But the Chinese New Year delayed the shipment, and Moran embedded her knee-high leather boot in Hurd's cranium. The Matrix-inator left the ring victorious, defying all odds (which, in the end, are only ballpark).

Quarterfinal Fight 6

Kevin Redmond: Dreadmond - 9
Mary Beth Murphy: Deathmatcher formerly known as Estrogenicide - 16

As the starting bell rang, Deathmatcher shouted to the heavens, unleashing a torrent of red pens to rain upon Dreadmond and inflict thousands of tiny (but extremely painful) puncture wounds. Dreadmond pulled back his fist and steadied to deliver a killing blow, but above his head appeared these words: ...Buffering... Buffering... Connection Lost. Deathmatcher sauntered over to her adversary, jammed two pens up his nostrils and into his brain, and walked out of the ring whistling the theme to "Kill Bill."

Quarterfinal Fight 5

Tommy Fiorito: "Fear"ito - 10
Scott Rabschnuk: The Rabinator - 18

Is the glass half empty or half full... OF BLOOD??? Good and evil forces clashed as the jovial, bearded creative faced off against the angular aggressive account director. Rabschnuk screamed unprintable insults about Fear-orito's mother, but they richoched off Tommy's hard hat of optimism. Tommy smiled in a friendly way as he grabbed Rabschnuk's stylish glasses and crammed them sideways down his opponent's throat. Eyes bulging, Rabschnuk gasped for air, and helpfully, Tommy and performed the heimlich maneuver. But Rabschnuk leapt in the air and twisted Tommy beneath him, then smashed him into onto the floor and flattened him like a pancake. Rabschnuk moves on to the next round, and Tommy was hung on his own wall like a cute piece of kitsch.

Quarterfinal Fight 4

Greg Ng: Moo Goo Gai PAIN - 21
Dave Gardiner: Stunted Thaumaturge - 4

Inconceivable! The Stunted Thaumaturge challenged Moo Goo Gai PAIN to a
battle of wits, daring him to determine which of two glasses of wine was
poisoned. Using an incredible string of logic, Ng chose correctly, only to
become woozy and incapacitated by one small glass of regular, unpoisoned
wine. Thaumaturge leapt at the opportunity and smashed a table into MMGP's
chest. The intoxicated Ng was thrown against the wall of the ring, causing a
bootlegged iPhone to fly from his pocket and clock Thaumaturge in the side
of the head. Gardiner was knocked out cold, and Moo Goo Gai PAIN held his
glittering weapon high in the air, savoring the cheers of the crowd. He then
vomited all over the mat.

Quarterfinal Fight 3

Scott Whittier: Butchslap - 8
Laurie Gillis: Right-Brained Assassin - 16

Fresh from a week of rest and relaxation at the Deathmatch Spa, Butchslap
skipped into the ring with a spring in his step. Planting his feet firmly,
he crossed his arms and delivered a thunderous double-backhand slap to The
Assassin's head, shooting her across the ring like a pinball. As Gillis
whizzed about the ring, Butchslap gave chase, ultimately burning so many
calories that he collapsed on the mat. The Right Brainer stomped on his
throat with her highly-professional pumps, leaving nothing of Whittier but a
useless Black Dot.

Quarterfinal Fight 2

Wendy Friedman: Wendy "Don't F*@k With Me" Friedman - 24


Brian Whipple: The Whippercrusher - 11

Meathook mayhem! While casually chatting on the phone with others from his oppressive regime, the Whippercrusher strapped Friedman to some sort of diabolical disemboweling device. As he slowly unraveled her intestines, he jeered and pressured her to betray her valiant causes of peace, love, and veggie burgers. But Wendy tossed aside her own intestines and swung the deadly meat hooks into the feet her oppressor. She yanked him close, then split his head with a flick of her x-acto knife. Beside himself with pain, Whipple begged for mercy. But Friedman made circular finger motion that could only say "Don't F*@k With Me," and tossed Whipple into the fiery abyss.

Quarterfinal Fight 1

Dave Kichen: Kung Futon 'Kickin' Ass and Hurtin' My Back" - 1


Kristy Berry: Poison Berry - 22


The phrase "blood bath" doesn't even begin to describe it. Or maybe it does. With the speed of a pirhana and strength of David Ortiz, Kung Futon ripped off Poisonberry's leg and smashed it into her chest. But the loss of a limb didn't stop Berry. She hopped to the Deathmatch toolshed and whipped out a saw and a shovel. With the grace of an olympic javelinist, she hurled the shovel through Futon's skull, splattering the Gumby doppleganger's brains all over the ring. Although Kichen was dead, Berry refused to leave behind a mess. She tossed the body in a bathtub and carefully dismembered each and every limb. She stacked Kung Futon in a neat pile, then honored his namesake by karate chopping the limbs in half with her head.

Fight 20

Wiesia Sadowski: The Wenomous Wanquisher - 15
Michael Schneider: The Spider - 21

W FOR WENDETTA! The Wanquisher leapt onto Schneider’s back and tore at his eyes with her sharpened nails. But the Spider caught her in his web and flipped her forward onto the mat. He plotted to suck the life from her over the course of several hours -- but with great power comes great responsibility, and Schneider had the decency to snap the Wanquisher's neck and put her out of her misery.

Fight 19

Jen Spencer: The Salty Dog - 16
Paula Yanosy: The Stare - 18

The air was tangy with blood and sea salt. Jen “Salty Dog” Spencer daintily cracked her knuckles, the wailed on Yanosy with a fury of jabs and spins. For several moments, the Stare remained motionless, numbly absorbing the impact and looking at nothing in particular. Then just as the Dog was about to deliver the battle-winning blow, the Stare’s eyes opened wide and Spencer burst into flames.

Fight 18

Seth Levine: Red Baron of Doom - 48
Mark Mylan: Smylin' Mylan - 49


The arena shuddered as the Red Baron entered the ring, encased in a giant mechanical suit. Launching forward on rocket boosters, he pummeled Smylin’ Mylan with his massive titanium fists. But Mylan just grinned and headbutted his opponent, knocking him off balance. The robotic armor fell like a skyscraper onto the front row, crushing its occupant and breaking the nose of Kevin Moehlenkamp, who was sitting in the executive box.

Fight 17

Allison Hoyt: Vegetarian Turns Carnivore of Destruction - 15
Steph Taubin: Stealth Steph - 17

Set the table for carnage! Hoyt leapt into the ring like a wild animal, lunging for Taubin’s throat with feline passion. Stealth Steph quickly sidestepped the attack, then flipped upside down to deliver a spinning windmill kick. The ring became a blur of flying limbs, blood, and green traffic sheets. When the dust settled, the Carnivore lay in a heap on the floor, and Steph slipped away unnoticed.

Fight 16

John Torres: Baron Von Kickass - 13
Karla Tateosian: The Merciless Matrix Madame (M3) - 20

In a highly anticipated match, young upstart Baron Von Kickass took on M3, the dreaded diva of Deathmatch. Kickass sought to confuse the Matrix with his touchy-feely talk of rainbows and flowers. But M3 countered with a bulleted list outlining her plan for domination, which delivered to Kickass using actual bullets. The wounded Baron tried his best to offer peace and love, but in the end, he bled to death in the steely grip of the Iron Matrix.

Fight 15

Cassie Leonard: Weapon of Cass Destruction - 24
Debbie "Kill You With Kindness" Hatfield - 6

BRIDAL BRAAAAAAAAAWL! In a Deathmatch first, both contenders appeared in full white-gowned glory, each ready to rip the bouquet of life from the other. The crowd nearly went blind as blazing light flashed from the rocks adorning the fighters' fingers. Hatfield grabbed Leonard by the veil and delivered a devastating uppercut, but the Weapon of Cass Destruction had other plans. Whipping her train around Hatfield's neck, the Weapon decapitated her foe with a flick of her wrist, screaming "Til death do us part!"

Fight 14

Joyce Hurd: Sharpie - 25
Doug Gould: Plankton - 6


The scourge of the ocean, Plankton thought he could destroy the Sharpie by force-feeding her Crabby Patties. But nautical nonsense was NOT on Ms. Hurd's menu, and she crushed the tiny sea-speck under her heel. The Sharpie lives to mark again, and Plankton was left flatter than Bikini Bottom.

Fight 13

Caitlin Moran: The Matrix-inator - 17
Tracy Leng: Betty Rumble - 14

It was past versus future as the feral Betty Rumble took on the dark, dystopian Matrix-inator. With a primal scream, Rumble pulled the bone from her hair and hurled it straight at Moran's heart. But Caitlin bent over backwards and time seemed time seemed to slow down as she dodged the prehistoric missile. She leapt in the air and unleashed a furious barrage of physically improbable kicks to Rumble's head. The cavewoman collapsed, and the victor vanished into a telephone receiver.

Fight 12

Mary Beth Murphy: The Deathmatcher (formerly known as Estrogenicide) - 17
Suzanne Brunner: Bruiser - 12

The Deathmatcher (symbol here) burst into the ring, fists flying. She charged at the Bruiser, who, unfazed, calmly smoked a cigarette in her corner. As the Deathmatcher bore down upon her, Bruiser flicked cigarette ash in the erstwhile Estrogenicide's eyes. Blind, but not beaten, the Deathmatcher whipped out her magnifying glass, focusing all the light in the deathmatch cavern and roasting Bruiser to a crisp. She strode out of the ring, which was noticeably redder than before.

Fight 11

Kevin Redmond: Dreadmond - 22
Joe Berkeley: JOJOTHEDOGFACEBOY - 10

Dreadmond hoisted the trim JOJO high in the air, brought him down over his mighty knee, and snapped him like a twig. End of match.

Fight 10

Scott Rabschnuk 25
Nancy Harhut 9

Harhurt II, as always, took the direct approach. She drew the Rabinator in with witty barbs and teasers-- then gave him a vicious paper cut across the midsection (increasing his open rate by 20%). Struggling to hold on to his intestines, the Rabinator reached for the closest weapon at hand: Nancy's award arsenal. The NEDMAS came flying like ninja stars, and Harhurt II was reduced to pulp.

Fight 9

Sam Adams: Brewer, Patriot, Marimeko - 14
Tommy Fear-orito - 17


BOOM! Day 3 opened strong with a fierce bout of mental warfare. Adams used her razor sharp business insights to pierce the depths of Tommy's soul... but as the ghoulish Fear-orito was already dead inside, Adams' attack had no effect. Fear-orito locked Adams in a bone-cracking embrace, hugging her to death slowly and lovingly. As she collapsed on the floor, Tommy's triumphant laughter echoed throughout the Deathmatch arena.

Fight 8

Marcie Judges: The Axe - 17
Dave Gardiner: Stunted Thaumaturge - 18

Despite not knowing what a "thaumaturge" was, the crowd went wild as Marcie
"The Axe" Judges violently hacked at her opponent's knees. Thaumaturge,
significantly more stunted than before, retaliated with various miracles and
magical feats, which distracted Judges long enough to buy the advantage he
needed -- a devastating roundhouse kick to the axe-arm. Like Samson, The Axe
weakened and was felled for good.

Fight 7

Greg Ng: Moo Goo Gai PAIN - 18
Kim Almazan: The Angry Amazon - 16

You could smell the fury and MSG as the Angry Amazon Faced off against Moo
Goo Gai PAIN in the steamy Deathmatch pressure-cooker. The Amazon fired
volley after volley of poison-tipped darts, but Ng defended with a
never-ending menu of blocks and parries. He hibachi'd Almazan into oblivion,
and, as is often the case, those who dined on Moo Goo Gai PAIN were left
hungry for more.

Fight 6

Laurie Gillis: The Right-Brained Assassin - 22
Becca Leach: The Vermonster - 11

The fighting career of the Vermonster came to an abrupt end today, as the
Right-Brained Assassin snuck out of the shadows to deliver a highly creative
blow to the head. The Vermonster roared in protest, but Gillis'
out-of-the-box karate chops quickly toppled the beast from the North. The
Assassin moves on to the quarterfinals, while the Vermonster lays in a
sticky pool of maple syrup.

Fight 5

Scott Whittier: Butchslap - 55
Lexy Kassan: The Cruncher - 43

SCANDAL! What started as a normal, everyday fight-to-the-death erupted into
an all-out brawl of epic proportions. As the starting bell rang, the
Cruncher was immediately acquainted with the back of Butchslap's
finely-manicured hand. Stung by his slaps and witty repartee, the Cruncher
injected herself with statistical steroids and grew to levels never before
seen in Deathmatch. But Butchslap fought fire with fire, downing several
martinis and increasing his score through double vision. The Cruncher
couldn't compute, and crumbled to dust.

Fight 4

Wendy "Don't F*@k With Me" Friedman - 26
Mindy Posner: Min Chop - 6

In a monstrous victory, Wendy "Don't F*@k With Me" Friedman destroyed Min
Chop using only intimidation and a few casual slaps. Posner tried her best
with a volley of chops straight out of a Ginzu knife commerical, but
Friedman was not to be f*@ked with. She brushed off Mindy like a fly, then
asked politely if someone would clean up the body, as it offended her
vegetarian sensibilities.

Fight 3

Chris Plehal: I Will Punch You in the Face - 12
Brian Whipple: The Whippercrusher - 21

Mr. Plehal started off strong, living up to his name by punching Whipple in
the face. He followed up this stellar move with another punch in the face,
followed by a punch in the face. But the Whippercrusher, with two death
matches under his belt, got wise to the move and retaliated by both whipping
and crushing his one-trick pony opponent. The Mighty Whip moves on to the
next round, leaving behind a pulped Plehal and a few of his teeth.

Fight 2

Kristy Berry: Poison Berry - 18
Deirdre Pocase: Bitchie Slambora - 16

For the better part of 8 hours, Poison Berry and Bitchie Slambora faced off
in the closest match of the day. They were like two rams with horns locked
in combat, except they were women and mostly used their fists. Slambora
briefly took the lead with a vicious bout of hair-pulling, but the crafty
Berry took hold of her rival's ankles and spun her in a vortex of doom,
ultimately sending her sailing over the cubicle wall.

Fight 1

Michelle Leotta: Duchess of Annihilation - 11
Dave Kichen: Kung Futon "Kickin' Ass & Hurtin' My Back" - 22

In an explosion of fire and fury, the Dutchess of Annihilation faced off
against Kung Futon in the first battle of RM Deathmatch 3. Futon struck
first with a devastating flying kick, but promptly threw out his back and
spent the rest of the battle in a horizontal position. The Dutchess took
advantage of the opportunity to deliver several well-placed kicks to the
head, but Futon swiped her legs out from under her and smothered her under
the mat.

Official Rules

LOCATIONS
All fights take place in the fiery pits of Deathmatch Arena, in an official boxing ring. Each fight is to the death. No mercy. No tapping out. No calling uncle.

There are no weapons allowed. Only hand-to-hand combat. Karate and other forms of non-weapons-based martial arts are permitted.

Under these conditions, you must ask yourself honestly: who would win? This isn't a silly popularity contest. We repeat. This is not a popularity contest. It's nothing personal if you get handed a serious beat-down. And don't forget, sometimes the smallest people are the fiercest fighters. Yoda, for example.

VOTING
All voting will take place online on this site. Voting starts in the morning, and closes promptly at 5pm. Results will be announced shortly thereafter.

You may only vote once. Don't try to vote more than once because we'll, like, totally know. And you'll be tossed into The Cage of Shame which is at the end of a smelly hallway deep in the bowels of Deathmatch Arena.

TIES
In the event of a voting tie, we move to the "Sudden Death Play Doh Sculpture" round. Each player is given a jar of Play Doh to mold into a 3-D scene of them killing their opponent, and we all vote on who's Play Doh sculpture is more kickass.

SMACK TALK
Once you vote, feel free to leave a comment by clicking the "comment" textlink at the bottom of each battle entry. This is your chance to say why you think the winner will triumph. Don't be a jerk, please.

There will be something cool for the champion. Like your own personal ninja. Or something like that.